Bob,
Thank you so very much for sharing your heartfelt and deeply personal story with me and our readers. Many people, myself included, will attest to the fact that a relationship of two people of the same sex, can lead to holiness and a deep love and commitment, a relationship that does involve an intimate, sexual component. Such a relationship based on self-sacrifice can indeed lead you closer to Christ. The Orthodox Church, as the Bride of Christ, in its earthly form, has made mistakes and changed its mind about many issues and practices. The topic of same-sex love and gender identity issues in our present day is just a new one. For example, the Church now regularly allows and celebrates the marriage of two people where only one person is an Orthodox Christian and the other is not, although that person must be a baptized Christian, although not necessarily Orthodox. Did the Church lose some of its sanctity by allowing such marriages, or did it extend the grace of Christ? I believe that latter is true.
You need to allow yourself some time, as well as your family, so that you can understand your truth and the truth that God loves you and made you the way you are. Very, very few people choose their sexual orientation, it is a gift from God, and once that is realized and accepted it is a blessing and much easier to live our lives as God intended, loving Him, serving Him, serving others. A husband or wife only adds to that commitment and we are stronger for it. Is there anything more beautiful that when in the Orthodox Church, during the crowning ceremony, a newly married couple are joined hand in hand and take their first walk together? There is a very symbolic but real reason for this. There is strength in numbers. But, there is also strength in the truth. The truth is that God loves us as He made us. God loves you as He made you. I bid you peace. Please stay in touch. Andriy

Anyway, my family of course objected out of fear for my salvation. I totally understand the “church’s” teachings and purpose and I see it very much as more than a physical manifestation of a religion but as an invisible truth and way that extends beyond parishioners, priests, churches, politics, or even bishops. There is a wisdom and truth that can’t be tainted by humans. Orthodoxy exists beyond us, though it is for us. This idea that I know is real and true, does not allow me to find fault in the church or its doctrines or the way the bible was written or put together, but only in myself.

I feel that the relationship I am in, is an issue and spiritual battle for me, just as my family does. But it is one that I have chosen, for a long time, not to acknowledge out of fear of losing someone I loved. I love this person. I won’t let them go because in a beautifully human way, they are very healthy and good for me. but in a spiritual context of specifically Orthodoxy I am directly harming myself and her. I am definitely putting my spiritual growth in a glass bottle and capping it by continuing this relationship and solidifying her doubts that she has already had..Somehow, I am not leading her closer to Christ even if I love her with Christ’s love. Some how our love cant be as full or rich because he is not the center and purpose of our relationship like in a straight couple. Sometimes I wonder, if we were not told that it was wrong, maybe we would be that much more likely to invite Christ into the center of our relationship. In fact I long for it now, while she rejects the entire concept outrightly because she thinks the church is about controlling people and taking money which I am sure she has seen plenty of.
It’s this feeling like I know too much about the Faith. I know better than to think it spiritually logical to actually fight the validity, or the rule of it because I know I am wrong, and if I said I wanted the church to change that is ridiculous because it’s perfectly made for me to become a better person by changing myself through Christ. So the other option, alienates me. I push orthodoxy and even the concept of God from my mind. I don’t pray. I feel like a contradiction. It’s like an all or nothing situation. There are moments when I find myself asking for forgiveness and repenting for a few moments when I really start to miss prayer and feeling loved and i am trying to pray to feel close with God, and then I am reminded that I wont be in line with what God wants for me because when I am done praying, I will still be Gay, and I will still be in love with this woman. I have realized that if I identify myself with any sexual orientation by means of an anchored relationship outside of marriage, it makes me way more likely to feel distance from God. Is that really only because of orthodox logic and wisdom explaining things this way? Should I find an orthodox lesbian woman?

But I don’t trust God enough to make that leap. I don’t believe that I will feel better, I don’t believe that He can make me think more like a woman or want sex with a man..I don’t want to let go of this natural part of myself because it doesn’t feel like its harming me besides giving me a complex and letting the information and emotions I feel to harbor negative thoughts about myself and my relationship with God. Maybe that is where my doubt of faith begins, but I know that my sexual orientation will stop being an issue if I decide to become a very single person. It is kind of ridiculous but I think in the context of this church, I can only be “gay” if I am single and abstinent.

I want to follow the way and the truth. I understand how if I were brave enough to really trust God in my weakness and not make excuses for myself, I would have peace in my heart in a certain way, but I would have to give my whole life to Christ in order to keep myself from feeling disturbed, lonely, bitter, uncomfortable, or sexually starved and depressed every day of my life. in an intense way. in a way that when I imagine it, I don’t think I can give. I have tried it many times. Spent months at monasteries and prayed and went to confession and talked with holy people. I even went to the Holy Sepulcher and prayed in Israel. I asked the Virgin Mary to comfort me in her tomb..But the loneliness, the desire, the reality, and doubt always creep in and I find myself looking for another relationship with more permanence and beauty than the last as if to make up for my fallen identity and feeling of emptiness.

All I can say to my family is I am sorry. And I understand where they are coming from and but they are rejecting me in many ways. Not allowing me to be open with my own siblings, or refer to myself as gay, and bashing me with harsh and hateful words if I try to talk about it. I forgive that every time. I love them. But more importantly, by not accepting that I can make my own decisions and I don’t have to follow God’s will if I don’t want to because I have free will, they are hurting themselves and me in a deep way.. I wish that I didn’t feel this rift with my family, or shame to share my life with them, but they keep telling me that I brought this poison into the family. and it’s my fault that everyone is crying and praying for me.

Their initial reaction was to threaten, to disown me, try to control me, take control of my finances, ruin my relationship, intimidate me, manipulate me, hurt me to make me change my mind and I still can’t change it for anyone, not for them, not for myself, not even for God. I want them to let me be the way I need to be. In order to learn from God what is best. in order to learn from God how to do his will, I think I need to fail many times and find a way and reason to pick up my heart again with Him. I wish that I could find an alternative way to feel Gods love, or feel one with him without feeling to ashamed to even pray, or pathetic to think of myself as Christian anymore. I thought this website was going to help me find a way to worship and pray with other gay people that wanted to feel close to God despite their heavy burdens of unrest and possibly bitterness and confusion. But reading these back and forth sides… I don’t agree with either side completely. I am somewhere in limbo. I wish I could find an answer soon. I don’t need anyone to comment this. It’s just a unique perspective I needed to share for my own benefit that I am sure is an uncommon one.

God gave no one a “calling” to subvert the plain teaching of Sacred Tradition and the clear, unambiguous and dogmatic teaching of the Holy Orthodox Church since Its beginning at Pentecost.
To proclaim that God gave you a “calling” to lead the Orthodox Bishops into accepting homosexualism and same sex marriage as worthy of being blessed by the Church is manifest blasphemy.

“We, the bishops of the Orthodox Church in America, therefore proclaim anew to you, the flock entrusted to our care, the great and holy vision of marriage that is gloriously preserved and manifested in the doctrine, liturgy and canonical tradition of the Church. We do not make this proclamation in the name of an outdated conservatism or because we consider our present society intrinsically more corrupt than the past generations. We speak because we are concerned for the welfare and salvation both of you, the members of our flock, and of all men. We speak of “that which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our own eyes … concerning the word of life” (John 1:1). We speak because we know the Truth of the Gospel of Christ to be the eternal Truth, the one needful thing, the good portion (Luke 10:42) for all men, in all times and places. …

Marriage is the most perfect realization of love between a man and a woman: two become one. Love unites in such a way that two lives become one life in perfect harmony. … The greatest miracle of this divinely sanctified love of marriage is the procreation of good, fair and holy children. In the image of God who brings forth life in love, the Christian marriage, a unity in love established by God, brings forth holy and good life (1 Cor. 7:14). ” http://oca.org/holy-synod/encyclicals/on-marriage

You wrote:

“When the Church of Russia decided to change the way Orthodox Christians there would bless themselves and then started to persecute and murder countless Old Believers, including priests, the Church was still Holy and the Bride of Christ.”

I reply:

The church of Russia is NOT the Holy Orthodox Church but only a part of the same. The Fathers of the Church NEVER requested or accepted a penalty of death by any civil authority for heresy – not even the most impious heresy of Arius. The Fathers only requested banishment of such persons for the sake of ecclesiastical peace and the spiritual protection of the faithful. No matter how grievous the error of the Patriarch or any Metropolitan of the Russian church, that of itself has no bearing upon the infallibility or teaching authority of the Bishops of the Holy Orthodox Church gathered in ecumenical counsel.

” Concerning your quote from C.S Lewis, I would argue that sympathy for the sinner, is the action of Christ.”

You left out half of Lewis’ statement, the part about rebellion. If I were to agree with you concerning acceptance of homosexualism as a “gift from god”, OR should I agree with you that same sex marriage should be blessed by the Church, then I would be in rebellion against God.

You already are in rebellion.

“The Orthodox Church biblically, dogmatically, canonically, and pastorally opposes and rejects same-sex marriage, and declares homosexual acts clearly and undeniably to be sins. Similarly it names sin
all fornication, adultery, perversion, pornography and sexual cohabitation of any kind (apart from one
man and one woman united in Holy Matrimony).

It is likewise important to state that a ‘private opinion’—especially one espoused publicly—contrary to
the teaching of the Orthodox Church constitutes a betrayal of the Orthodox faith, a denial of the teachings and example of our Lord Jesus Christ, and is worthy—canonically and pastorally—of separation from the Chalice, especially for those who insist in perpetuating such opinions.
It would be a faithful and honorable act for those who have these opinions, as St. Paul says, having examined themselves and kept these opinions, to refrain from the chalice, lest they draw unto themselves condemnation and judgment. …

Further, it is disingenuous to the Christian faith that one would develop, believe, and possibly teach and spread a personal opinion, based on personal experiences rooted in fallen human nature.
To do so not only ignores, perhaps to one’s peril, the received teaching of 2000 years of Christianity, but also places one’s self, opinions and observations above those wiser and more pious and faithful than we. It must be remembered that such Holy Fathers and Saints of the Church knew the human heart and the human condition far more profoundly than most of us ever will.

For one in the Church to persist in holding and/or teaching an opinion contrary to the Church’s teaching is one-­‐hundred-­‐percent opposed to Orthodox Christianity.”

Reflections on Same-­‐Sex Marriage and Homosexuality
Fr. John Parker, Chair – Department of Evangelization
Orthodox Church in America
May 15, 2012

Robert (Athanasius),
What is my particular sin? Is it acting upon the calling that God gave me? The Earthly Holy Orthodox Church has been and will continue to be wrong on certain issues. She is no less holy or the Bride of Christ because of that. When the Church of Russia decided to change the way Orthodox Christians there would bless themselves and then started to persecute and murder countless Old Believers, including priests, the Church was still Holy and the Bride of Christ. You may believe that you can choose to decide who should be defrocked and who shouldn’t be, I and countless other Gay Orthodox Christians know that God gave us the ability and desire to love and live in a sacred relationship with one other person of the same sex. Concerning your quote from C.S Lewis, I would argue that sympathy for the sinner, is the action of Christ.
Thank you for your deep attention to the website and my reflections.
I bid you peace,
Andriy

Andre, I’m sorry that you want a pass for your particular sin and are offended by the canonical stance of the Holy Orthodox Church, but the “exceptions” you gave as examples are not those pertaining to the moral law – except for allowing a divorced priest to actively serve.
That is heresy and is opposed to the moral law of the Church and any such bishop who allowed it should be defrocked.
I leave you with a quote from C. S. Lewis: “It is possible to have so much sympathy for a sinner that you join him in his rebellion against God”

Jan,

Thank you so much for your comment and support of the website.
I agree with you that society has changed significantly, especially in the Western, industrialized world. Although one does not need to be married to love and care for another individual, in the Orthodox Church the mystery of crowning is a very sacred blessing to a desired bond between two people. What I have suggested is that considering our modern understanding of biology and psychology, we know that being gay is not a choice. Therefore since we do not choose to be gay we cannot be punished for wanting to live in a holy relationship with one person of the same sex and have that relationship formalized in the Church. The main objective is a stronger life in Christ.
Please continue with your insightful comments.
I bid you peace,
Andriy

Jose,
I am so sorry to hear about this incident. Unfortunately, I have received other emails with tragically similar messages. The priest who reacted this way was uncharitable to say the least and lacked all sense of compassion and kindness. You can not change your homosexual nature any more than he can change his presumably heterosexual nature. Your nature is as God given as his is. If married, it is easily assumed that he loves his wife just as much as you love your spouse. I am glad that you did find a different parish that might be a good home for you. I have found that many priests have a very visceral reaction to LGBTQ people. This is because they have been taught in Seminary, or by their parents or even quasi-ecclesiastical political groups that gay people are evil or sick and are able to change their sexual orientation. Of course LGBT people know otherwise. Yet, there are priests who have gay people in their families or have had conversations with gay people or have read a book on biology that was printed within the last thirty years and are very aware that gay people can not change who they are. Some have even celebrated same-sex weddings, and celebrated other mysteries for and in the presence of LGBT people and their families. The problem is that they are indeed the minority and they are instructed by the hierarchy to remain silent on this issue.

You and your spouse are in my prayers and hopefully by your faithful presence priests and faithful members of the Orthodox Church will begin to have a change of mind and heart. I bid you peace,
Andriy