July 27, 2024
Someone has to be the wife!
A good friend of mine passed away not too long ago. I should actually call him a former friend because when I left the active priesthood, no longer able to be alone in my life, this friend stopped communicating with me. He was so distraught that I left the priesthood, for a “homosexual lifestyle” that he stopped speaking with me. He was even further upset by my decision to marry the man that I love, and have now been with for over twenty years. Unfortunately, we never reconciled before his death. When finding out about my relationship, one of the questions he had about us, that he voiced to a mutual friend, was “Who is the wife? Someone has to be the wife!”
When I heard his question and comment, I was dumbfounded, wondering if his views were out of ignorance or prejudice. My friend’s understanding of gay relationships was based on an antiquated stereotype, that one man in the relationship takes the role of the masculine and the other the role of the feminine. But perhaps his views were not antiquated but more widespread than I wanted to believe. And yet, gay marriages and relationships are as varied in their “roles” as straight ones. While I do believe that some well-meaning individuals are intimidated or even confused about asking basic questions about non-heteronormative relationships, the question remains: is it out of ignorance or prejudice that someone would ask: “Who is the wife?”
As Orthodox Christians, we believe Christ is perfect and the Church He founded on Earth to save souls is also perfect. However, the clergy and faithful who administer to and are members of the Church are not perfect. When it comes to ministering to, understanding, listening, and welcoming LGBT individuals, the earthly church has been replete with prejudice and ignorance. These are problems that plague the Orthodox Church when it comes to pastoring LGBT Orthodox Christians. Many LGBT Orthodox Christians are hungry for the grace, mysteries, and community that a parish offers. We long for a priest, a true pastor who will hear our confessions, commune us, and understand that we did not choose our sexual identity. We long for a priest who will understand us, the same as straight people desire understanding from their priest, we desire to share our lives with another person, because it is “not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18) We long for a priest and a church that does not pastor through ignorance or prejudice but with the grace and message that Christ has bestowed upon everyone, to love and not to judge.
One of the first lessons that I learned in pastoral theology class at Seminary was that it was vitally much more important to listen than to speak. This played out numerous times when I was a parish priest. For example, what could I possibly teach a parishioner about fasting and hunger during great lent, when she had lived through the great famine (Holodomor) in Ukraine orchestrated by Stalin? I have always attempted to be a better practitioner of “listening more and talking less”. I did not often succeed. But when I did more listening, asked more questions, and did not judge, I thought I was a better priest for the Church of Christ.
In case you were wondering “Well, who is the wife?” The answer is neither of us. We are two husbands who love each other and have built a beautiful life together.